So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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