just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
