Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
