yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
