no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
