come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
