someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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