I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
