I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just made out with a guy for $7.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
