I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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