Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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