The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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