he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
