I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
