Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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