I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
