I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
