what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
