Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
