All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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