The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
