I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
