Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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