my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize