I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
