it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
