Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
