If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
