I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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