When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
