I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
