So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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