They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
