Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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