I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My pussy is not your playground.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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