Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
