I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
