do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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