The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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