I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
