Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
