just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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