Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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