Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
