I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
