I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
