i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
