Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
