After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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