Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
