My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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