im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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